Putting Self Compassion on the Agenda
Without self-compassion, we sabotage our ability to engage wholeheartedly with life
(Image Credit: sixteenmilesout at Unsplash)
Putting Self-Compassion on the Agenda
I wonder how you have proven to be a good friend over the past week or two?
Perhaps you have reached out to someone you know who is isolated or struggling at the moment. Maybe someone reached out to you, asking for help and even though it may have been a bit inconvenient, you did what you could to offer some practical assistance.
All around us, we get to see and hear so many beautiful examples of human to human kindness and compassion because we are hard wired to care for one another. Every encounter in life is an opportunity to care for and feel closer to others. We humans demonstrate the heliotropic effect. Like all other elements of nature, we turn towards what lifts us up and encourages us to grow and flourish as a group. We turn away from words, actions and behaviours that detract from life and deplete us as a group.
When did you last be a really supportive friend to yourself?
When did you last take the time to nurture yourself and offer loving support and encouragement just as a good friend might? When did you last make some space for your own challenging feelings and emotions rather than pushing them away with a sense of invalidation and minimisation just because they were your own? This is self-sabotage and is a common habit many of us fall into. We are there for others in lots of ways, but much harsher on ourselves. It can become quite unconscious and habitual.
And as we allow patterns of self-sabotage to unfold, possibly on a daily basis, our health and wellbeing really suffers. A harsh inner voice or a habit of emotional suppression or denial can flood our bodies with stress hormones such as cortisol and adrenalin. And each time this happens, we increase the allostatic load on our bodies. We are doing damage at a cellular level.
Learning about and practising self-compassion allows us to create a calm and reassuring space inside our minds and hearts that affirms and supports unconditionally. This then leads to thoughts, actions and behaviours that do the same: supporting and encouraging us to give ourselves what we need, especially when we are stressed or challenged. I like to describe it as bringing sunshine inside our first and most precious home – our bodies.
Self-sabotage can be so incredibly subtle. I first came across the ground-breaking self-compassion work of Kristin Neff during my initial wellbeing science studies at Melbourne University in 2016. As we discussed the practical applications of Neff’s work, I realised that my own inner critic is alive and well and regularly diminishes my own wellbeing. I may not say punishing words to myself however self-sabotage is much more than words. It is believing that you’ve done a poor job when something doesn’t go as planned. It is ruminating on, rather than forgiving yourself when you say or do something that is thoughtless. It is shining a light on your flaws whilst completely disregarding your many strengths. It is about feeling unworthy no matter how much you’ve done that proves otherwise. It is putting your own wants and needs last even though you possibly care beautifully for others in your life. It is not setting clear boundaries with others so that your nervous system can stay calm and regulated. It is allowing others to decide for you how things should be, even if internally, it all feels very wrong.
Self-compassion is central to life itself. When we care about and look after ourselves, we can then comfort, calm and validate others. When we don’t, it is so much harder.
Lisa Barker
Heliotropia - Turn Towards The Sun
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